How dialects reveal America's history and hint at what's next

This article is part of Upstream, The Daily Wire’s new home for culture and lifestyle. Real human insight and human stories, from our featured writers to you.

***

The Fourth of July is a special day, and this one has been 250 years in the making. That means great care must be taken to plan out how to maximize the celebration of this great nation. While every red-blooded American’s heart swells when he hears the national anthem or sees a giant banner waving in front of a deep blue field of summer twilight, there’s only one day dedicated to going all-out in patriotism.

That’s a high bar any year, even more so on the semiquincentennial. So I’m here to help you figure out what’s a “want to do” and a “must-have” this Independence Day.

The first and foundational part of celebrating America’s founding is to have people over (presumably other Americans, but if they’re not, show them that our melting pot is more than queso or fondue). Ideally, you should host as many as your house can hold. Thankfully, my parents host the whole family and friends every year, and their house is almost big enough to hold everyone. But by the end of the holiday, it can feel tight. That’s because we come several days before the Fourth. We stay several days after. The house is hot, and still someone is baking a pie or some cookies.

This is why it is vital to have a cooler filled with ice and cheap, American beer. (For those taking notes, this is the second thing you need.) And thankfully, they have great non-alcoholic options for those who don’t partake. Budweiser, Hamms, and Coors are all obvious choices. Busch NA and Budweiser Zero are perfect for those who abstain, or anyone, actually. They’re necessary to beat the heat. The ice-filled cooler is important; the beer needs to be frigid, not just refrigerator-cold.

Now we move on to the food. There should be a tradition already in your family. If not, it’s high time to make one. My family has started to make ice cream on the Fourth. We get out a vintage ice cream maker that miraculously still works. We give it a rinse, spin up a custard base and then throw it in the contraption, which spins and whirs in its own bucket of ice and salt.

Nothing tastes as good as homemade ice cream on the lawn on July 4. Nothing. You can eat store-bought ice cream, sure. But where’s the fun in that? You can eat store-bought waffle cones, sure. But isn’t it better to scorch your fingers on a waffle cone iron in the hot kitchen where someone is making cookies or pie again?

Obviously at some point in the afternoon, you might be tempted to take a nap. Power through and do some fireworks instead. Drink some water. You have to keep going. Maybe there’s a kiddie pool you can stick your ankles in. Maybe there’s some watermelon to eat with another cold beer while dinner gets started.

There is only one option for dinner on the Fourth of July: hot dogs and hamburgers. There’s nothing more American than slabs of carcinogen-coated meat on high-fructose corn syrup buns with pickles brought to you by FD&C Green. For hot dogs, it’s the same except the meat is more mysterious and it comes in beautiful tubes.

At last the meal is served on platters and plates. The spread is set across kitchen counters or the table. Eat out on the lawn even though it’s hot. It’s still hotter inside even though the AC is set to 72.

The sky darkens as the food effortlessly disappears. After eating the house-heating pie and cookies, you’re ready for the main event: fireworks. It’s not lost on me that we spend billions every year to get fireworks straight from China. But credit where credit is due: They invented them. We perfected them.

You don’t need to spend hundreds of dollars. I wager you can get everything you need to have a good time under $50 if you plan it out. The trick with fireworks is to know your audience. With young kids around, you need little zippy fireworks that aren’t too scary. The gimmickier the better: Dragon Poo, Dog Poo, Mr. Poop, turns out poop-themed ones do really well.

More thrilling are the whizzers that spin up into the air. Or the ladybugs that scream. Parachutes are fun for the daytime or early evening hours. For the bigger DIY displays after dark, kids like fountains. They’re not scary. They glow. They usually don’t scream or pop too loud. They’re safe, but boring.

That’s why you need some for the adults, too. Get a duke’s mixture of big and little stuff. The number of shots is the wrong way to think about it. You need to think about the total number of wicks you get to light: the thrill of another rocket going into the sky, yet another mortar sent up into oblivion.

Let the people on the lawn pretend the fireworks are for their benefit. Without them, it’s not a “show.” But the true joy is lighting something, running away, and watching it blow up. This is where the dangerous stuff comes in: mortar shells, Roman candles, missile bases, cakes, firecrackers. These have cost fools their fingers and idiots their eyes.

These fireworks are a celebration of freedom. They ask you to take your life into your hands and accept the risks and the responsibilities of having fun. They require you to do the right thing in the right way for the safety and well-being of those around you; we’ve all seen what happens when the party gets ruined by those who can’t govern themselves.

Shoot everything off, and end with the biggest one you have. Call that a finale, and then say good night to everyone or go inside and bask in the afterglow of another American holiday well spent.

Before you close your eyes to sleep, pray for our leaders and thank God you live in the best country in the world. If you don’t believe that, you should go live somewhere else until you come crawling back to this country on your knees. Then try celebrating again on another Fourth of July with gusto.

The food, drinks, and fireworks are window dressing. The real secret is loving America, not with empty words but actions. And that’s best done however you want. God bless.

***

Brendan Clarey is the deputy editor of Michigan Enjoyer.