My Sister Thinks Everything I Write is About Her… Is She the Literary Asshole?

Hey there!

It’s time for another installment of your favorite advice column, Am I the Literary Asshole? It’s a place where we can all agree on one thing: people have a lot of questions about blurbs! I’m your host, Kristen Arnett, and it’s always good to be back in the hot seat (the hot seat in question is writing this column, but it’s also the leather interior of my Honda Accord after it’s spent an afternoon baking in the relentless Florida sunshine). The birds are chirping, the cicadas are buzzing, and the fridge is humming a jaunty tune while it clanks out some fresh ice cubes for our drinks.

So, how about a margarita? You bring the limes and I’ll handle the rest. Salt for the rim? Let’s get to sipping:

1) Hi Dad! I found out a little while back that I was accepted into a summer writing workshop. I’ve never been to one and I’ve been looking forward to it. But the closer the time comes to actually attending, the more I’m beginning to worry that I’m spending a lot of money on something that might not be all that fruitful in terms of writing. Part of this issue is because another writer I know posted a long thread online about how they feel they got scammed by one. They very much said that if they could go back in time, they’d save their money and just do a writing retreat at home. What do you think?

First off, congrats to you! It’s a remarkable achievement to be accepted to one of these workshops. I know from personal experience that they are incredibly hard to get into (a massive amount of people generally apply) and acceptance rates are fairly small. And hey, you made the cut! Exciting!

But your question is whether this would be a smart move for you, financially and career-wise. Friend, I think the answer to this is simple: you will get out of it what you put into it.

I’m sorry to hear that this other writer got “scammed” by a writing workshop. If you’ve applied to one that is on the up-and-up (and many of them are), then the “scam” thing shouldn’t apply to you here. I will say, however, that if you go in expecting to leave with a full novel, or a full draft of a book, or even an agent or a book deal, then you’re going for all the wrong reasons.

A summer workshop is a place to meet new writer friends (one of my longtime novel draft readers I met at one back in 2016), it’s perfect for generating some things and getting feedback on some smaller work (like essays, short fiction, small novel segments), and it’s a great way to sit in on craft lectures and author panels. Think about these workshops as a weeklong crash course in craft and writing, plus drinks and camaraderie. It’s like boozy (or nonboozy) adult summer camp, plus the companionship of writers you admire. So much of life includes busy stuff that has nothing to do with art. A writing workshop? Enjoy all art, all day. The more you decide to take part in things, the better time you’ll have. Your attitude here matters.

For what it’s worth, I attended three different writers’ workshops and I loved all of them. The higher the energy you put into it, the better.

Have fun!

Speaking of boozy summer, let’s have another margarita while we chill out and look at our next question:

2) I used to have a lot of friends in online community. Think fanfiction, that kind of thing. But ever since I’ve started writing literary fiction with the hope of getting published, I’m at loose ends. I feel really lonely. Are there spaces online where writers meet up? I don’t live in a place where there are writing groups.

Yes, of course there are places for you!

And you’re not alone. Plenty of writers feel this way. I get questions quite often from people who just want to connect. It’s tough out there for artists (and honestly, really hard in general). Community is kind of all we have.

I could point you in a million different directions, but we’re actually right smack in the middle of Jami Attenberg’s 1,000 Words of Summer Project, which runs for two weeks through June 12th. It’s a great place to meet other writers while simultaneously getting some work done. Many people get so much from this! It would be a great resource for you, and also a place to find other like-minded individuals that you might write and work with all year long.

Hope this helps!

I probably don’t need another margarita, but when has that ever stopped me? Let’s have a couple more while we dive into our final question of the day:

3) Anonymous, pls. I’m a fiction writer. I graduated from (REDACTED PLACE) with my MFA in (REDACTED YEAR), and I’ve been published in some literary journals. I’m currently working on my first novel. In the literary world, I feel like I’ve established my cred. The problem in my older sister. For some reason, she’s gotten it into her head that everything I write is about her. It doesn’t matter the topic. At every family get together she ends up asking me about my work and then makes a whole huge stink about the fact that I’m telling all her secrets. If I wrote a story about an anteater, she’d think it was about her. The last time it happened, I wound up leaving dinner early because she told everyone that I was trying to live vicariously through her experiences. She’s got a great job, and I’m proud of her, but her line of work isn’t all that interesting and neither is she, to be frank. Nobody ever says anything when she lobs these accusations, which sometimes leads me to think they believe her?

Wooooooof. This one’s a doozy!

I dunno if I can tell you how to fix your weirdo sister. Sometimes our families just don’t act right. The only behavior we can control is our own! It might be worth your time to speak separately (and privately) with other family members about how this is bothering you. Get them to be a little more understanding about how strange this is and how bad it makes you feel. But it might not work out? Sometimes non-writers (especially family) can wind up thinking our art is all about them.

My advice to you is to keep writing and to also avoid any shop talk with your family, especially if they use it to fuel their own drama. If it helps at all, it appears as though your sister is pulling a classic “one finger pointing at you means three fingers pointing back at me” kind of deal here, and by that I mean that she’s accusing you of being jealous when the reality is that she wants to be more like you.

Focus on your writing, finish up that novel, and try to ignore the (absolutely nonsensical) ramblings of someone who very obviously wants everything in life to revolve around herself.

And that’s all the time we have for today! Join me next column when I post more of your anonymous questions (send them to me, please) and I also contemplate drinking a case of beer at a random family reunion. Do you think they’d let me in the group photo?

Say cheese,

Dad

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Are you worried you’re the literary asshole? Ask Kristen via email at AskKristen@lithub.com, or anonymously here.